What To Do If You Know Someone in an Abusive Relationship
What is Violence Against Women?
It is any act of violence that results or is likely to result in physical, sexual, or psychological harm or suffering to women
Violence includes:
· Physical Assault
· Sexual Assault
· Emotional Abuse
· Verbal Abuse Sexual Harassment
· Economic Abuse
Dynamics of Power & Abuse
· Domestic disputes are emotional and volatile
· They are dangerous and potentially fatal for the woman, her children and anyone else present
It may be Difficult for her to End the Relationship because:
· Fear for her or her children’s safety
· Fear that her children will be apprehended
· Influence of her extended family or children
· Emotional attachment and loyalty to the abuser
· Economic dependency on the abuser
· Low self esteem and self blaming
· Religious values or pressure from cultural community
· Fear of deportation
· Social isolation and lack of a support system
· Denying, minimizing, or rationalizing the severity of the violence
· Lack of legal information about her rights
· If the woman leaves the violence may continue or worsen
· Abusive behaviour can be directed not only against her but against her children, relatives, friends, supporters, work colleagues, pets and/or possessions, or towards anyone who tries to intervene
If you are going to help me:
· Please be patient while I decide if I can trust you.
· Let me tell my story…the whole story…in my own way
· Please accept that whatever I have done, whatever I may do is the best I have to offer and seemed right at the time
· I am not ‘a person’. I am this person-unique and special
· Don’t judge as right or wrong, bad or good. I am what I am and that’s all I’ve got
· Don’t assume that your knowledge is more accurate than mine. You only know what I have told you. That’s only part of me.
· Don’t ever think that you know what I should do. You don’t. I may be confused, but I am still the expert about me
· Don’t place me in a position of living up to your expectations. I have enough trouble with mine.
· Please hear my feelings. Not just my words. Accept all of them. If you can’t, then how can I?
· Don’t save me or try to ‘fix’ my situation. I can do it myself. I knew enough to ask for help, didn’t I?
· Help me help myself.
· A woman may not be ready to accept your help nor hear that she is in an abusive relationship.
· It is not a waste of time to tell a woman more than once that she is in an abusive relationship. Nagging though is not a help.
How I can Hear Better
· Believe that healing is possible
· Be willing to witness great pain
· Be willing to believe the unbelievable
· Examine my own attitudes
· Explore my own history and fears regarding violence against women
· If not a survivor, explore those experiences that come closest
· Remember that the woman is the expert of her own experience
· Validate her need
· Don’t say or imply that the woman is in any way responsible for the abuse
· If the woman feels responsible for her abuse, contextualize her experience
· Validate that anger is a sane and healthy response to abuse
· Don’t spend time trying to understand the abuser
· Don’t say or imply that the woman should forgive the abuser
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